Coping Mechanisms
by ajsmiles
Summary: Jim at heart is very different to Jim at work, no one knows this better than his Wife. Rated M for adult content. Not a great description.
1. Chapter 1

'You can't just sit in bed in the dark forever, my darling' the voice was gentle, but she knew his methods.

'I can do as I like' she said defensively, sitting up because she knew he'd come to her. Right now all he was was a silhouette at the door, the bright light of the sun streaming in behind him. Sun she didn't care if she saw again or not. A sob was working its way up her chest, having started in her now empty womb, but she did not give in to it.

'My dear, my dear' he closed the door behind him, making his way in the gloom. 'It breaks my heart to see you like this'  
He sat on the edge of the bed the shared, though they hadn't shared it in many nights. He was always busy working, even when he should be by her side. She didn't resent him for it, or she didn't think she did. Perhaps that was why she wasn't able to leave the sanctuary of her room yet.

'I barely feel as if I have a heart left' her voice trembled and her tears, ever present these days, threatened to fall if not held back- like a Dam overflowing. He kissed her tenderly on the forehead, his hand stroking her cheek, still wet with the last tears shed.

'And I too, my love' his voice was a whisper, drawing her into his embrace 'our lovely future was torn from us in an instant and I feel as though we are lost' she felt his tears fall to her robe covered shoulder 'but I cannot lose you too. I would rather die'

'I would have named him James, if it was a boy. And he would have looked just like you, beautiful big brown eyes and a head full of dark hair, and so much intelligence he could rule the world' the sob broke her lips, but she continued 'Elsie if she was a girl, and I hoped she would have your eyes, and my curls, and your beautiful musicians hands, your skill for reading people so she would never be hurt' she broke down, clinging to him for support, soaking the lapels of his expensive suit.

'Hush, my angel, don't cry' he soothed, rocking her as she wept.

'Why weren't you there' she whispered after a long while

'A crisis arose, I am so sorry my love' he wiped tears from her cheeks, only for them to be replaced. Her lip quivered. Was it wrong that seeing her so upset made him want her badly? Probably, he answered his own question. At least among civilized society. 'But I am here now, and I will look after you'

'Where is Bastian?' she cleared her throat, knuckling the tears from her eyes and sitting straight

'On a job, for me' he searched her face, though she gave away nothing 'Why?'

'He has been caring for me' she sniffled, feeling another cramp coming- just another reminder of her recent loss. 'While you were gone'  
the remark hurt, exactly as she had intended it.  
She wanted the company of his right hand man, in place of him, because Bastian had been there for her while he had not.

'If you want me to call him here...' he didn't finish his sentence, leaving it hanging for her.

She could feel his hurt a mile away. She was lucky, she supposed, that over the years they had been married, he had gradually let his guard down, allowing her in to his emotions. 'No, of course not. I only wondered because he hadn't checked in today'

Sebastian, or Bastian as only she was allowed to call him, had taken her to the appointment where they had found she had had a missed miscarriage.  
He had cradled her in his lap when they got home, called Jim to inform him when she couldn't form the words. He had been there two weeks later, rubbing her back as contractions worsened, he had been there when she had birthed the tiny baby in her own shower, still wrapped in its placenta. While she lay on the shower floor, cradling her child, he had been there, his suit drenched, her blood on his hands.  
She had every right to want to be near him, when he had been there for her through so much that her husband had not.  
He had helped her pick a spot in the grounds, arranged for a beautiful oak sapling to be delivered.  
He had dug the hole himself, watched as she placed the tiny baby wrapped in a soft blanket to rest, and planted the sapling above it.

'Do you have feelings for him because I wasn't there for you?' he question was blunt and full of barbs, and it stung at her like a bullet ant, payback for her earlier remark.

'Do you really think that's something I'm thinking of right now? when I'm still bleeding after the loss of our baby? really James? REALLY?' she shouted the last words, and he flinched away, retreating from her anger 'How fucking DARE you' she was snarling now, her chest heaving with emotion. Her arm flung back of its own accord and she slapped him with every ounce of anger she held onto. 'I am grieving, you absolute monster' her scream broke, her voice faltered and she slumped back onto her pillows 'Get out' sobs breaking free as she drew her knees to her chest and curled herself over them.

'Baby, I'm sorry' he put an arm around her, rubbing her gently 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... I wasn't thinking. Oh my darling, I am the dumbest man in Britain' he scooped her up and put her on his lap.

'Yes, you are' she choked out, resting her head on his wet shoulder. She focused on these things more now than ever. The feel of materials on her skin, the sound of water crashing around her in the shower, the smell of his cologne lingering in pulse points. Things to keep her present, in the real world, instead of retreating to her memories.

She couldn't help but think back to the first day she had seen two precious lines of the pregnancy test. It was 3am, and she hadn't slept- for some reason or another- but the feeling in her stomach gave her pause, and when she counted back the days, she was just a day late.  
Her heart had swollen with joy, a long awaited, longed for moment. They had been trying for a baby since they married- of course with her work and his erratic schedule things had barely worked out. But now, oh now, there was a baby!

In that moment, she had planned an entire future. She already knew the school, and the tutors, and the play dates. They would get their child a dog, for their 5th birthday, maybe. Her parents would have a grandchild to dote upon, and she birthdays to plan parties for. James could teach them everything he knew, how to protect themselves, and she could teach them all she knew, protecting them until they could themselves.

James had been with her, when they had seen the precious little flicker of a heartbeat. 150bpm. She had never seen him smile so widely, not since their wedding. It was a feeling that they never wanted to lose. Tiny little baby growing fast in her womb, a strong heartbeat. She would never need another gift again, once her baby was in her arms.

'Hunter?' his voice was soft, full of unspoken apologies 'can you hear me?' she shook herself from her reverie. Looked up at him with glazed eyes. 'I was talking'

'Sorry' it was barely a whisper from her lips 'Say again. I was in my thoughts'

'I'm so sorry, my love, my Hunter, for not being here as I should have' he was stroking her hair 'that was unforgivably cruel of me, in your hour of need' he kissed her forehead 'I will never let you down like that again'

Hunter could only nod, listening to him apologizing. He did it so rarely she remembered every detail.

'What can I do to help you right now?'

Her mind wandered down a list of many things, but finally settled 'pajamas and cuddle me in bed' she requested meekly, shuffling out of his lap and back under the blankets.

She watched him change, his suit falling into a crumpled heap around him. It was a rare day that he didn't hang or at least fold his suits immediately, and it spoke volumes about his state of mind. she was pleased, somewhere deep inside her, that he was as affected as she, even if he didn't display it as she did.  
He pulled on a pair of soft, baggy cotton pajama pants and slipped beneath the covers, drawing her into his arms. She pulled her singlet off over her head, enjoying the heat he provided, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers.

'I love you, my little flower' he nuzzled into her neck, peppering her skin with soft kisses. 'nothing will change that, my sweet'

'And I love you, my darling. More than all the atoms in the universe' they fell silent, wrapped in each other, her tears falling intermittently, until she finally found blissful sleep, the first in a week without nightmares.


	2. Chapter 2

'You're right' she said quietly when she woke, knowing he hadn't slept and was scrolling through his phone over her shoulder.

'I'm always right' there was a hint of laughter in his tone

'not always. not about me' she corrected, but continued anyway 'I can't just lay in bed. I need to get back to work. I need to... do'

'Of course you do my love' he kissed her, she felt him drop his phone behind her back, his hands wandering her body freely 'it is not in your nature to sit idly'

'don't... please don't touch my belly' she said as his hand move dangerously close 'I'm not ready for that' he obligingly kept his hands to her back and breasts.

'Shall I call and inform them you're ready to return on Monday?' he asked after a few moments 'Or would you prefer?'

'You, if you don't mind. I would rather not answer the questions just yet'

James nodded, her ever loving husband, always fulfilling his duties. 'Why don't you take a shower, get dressed, and I'll have lunch made. Maybe we can venture to the dining room to start?'

she nodded meekly, kissing him lovingly, and shuffled to the side of the bed. Theirs was so big it was often difficult to find which side you should try to roll off.  
The hot water soothed her still aching muscles, cramps still shaking her from time to time. Of all the things she had been prepared for, it wasn't what happened. In her mind a miscarriage was a bad period. She hadn't considered that she would need to actually give birth. it was the most pain she had experienced in her life, pain she imagined could be bearable if she had a child at the end. Her doctor had assured her the bleeding would stop within a month. It was horrible, to look down and see that, every time she went to the bathroom, a red reminder of her bodies failure.

'You look beautiful' he held out his hands to her when she opened the bedroom door. he had been leaning against the banister waiting for her for over an hour, wanting to give her privacy but also be there should she need.

She thought she looked horrid, pale and wan, her eyes bloodshot, her hair still wet and pulled into a bun. she had slipped on a loose maxi dress, covering her shoulders with a silk wrap he had bought her from his last trip to Cambodia. 'Thank you'

'The Dean has organised a TA to assit you if you need it, and wants to assure you there is no pressure for you to commit to your old schedule'

'thats very kind of him' she looked him in the eye, one of his most beautiful features 'thank you for calling for me'

'Anything for my darling' he kissed her, trying to portray his apology for his behavior.

She looked him up and down before they walked down the stairs, it was nice when he was home with her, relaxed and casual, not wearing his suit as armour. Jeans were a rarity on his handsome ass, and a casual sweater was almost unheard of.  
It was almost like having a husband who worked in an office, instead of... well she preferred not to learn too many details about his work. She hadn't married him for his job, or his power, or his money, she married him, because behind all that, in the moments she had him to herself, he was an intelligent, caring, handsome man, and he adored her in return. He had a strange way of showing it, sometimes, but he did.

'Where were you the past month, anyway?' Hunter never questioned him, or what he did, but she needed to know what was so important that it came before her and their baby.

'It was very complicated, my darling. It's not something we should talk about now' he tried to buffer her interest, the way his hand twitched in hers giving him away.

'Sorry, but who am i?' she pulled her hand from his 'Am I some lowly minion? or am I your fucking wife?'

'Darling, I'll tell you anything you want, I only want to protect you while you're vulnerable' he used his most soothing tone, brushing stray hair behind her ear. 'I will tell you everything after lunch, I promise'

Tears welled in her eyes 'Oh I'm sorry James... I'm just...'

He held her face and kissed her forehead softly 'You are being completely human, and despite all my failings, I understand why. come on. lets eat'

Their lunch waited for them on the table, her favourite, just a large charcuterie platter, with fresh bread, and mustard's and plenty of cheeses. She liked to be able to pick and choose, the idea of grazing, her love of french food.

'Now tell me where you've been' she said, in a tone that he knew meant not to play with her. she had eaten as much as she could, the first morsel to pass her lips in days made her feel a little more human.

'I was being held captive by the elder Holmes brother. He wanted information, the insufferable bore' he rolled his eyes, his disdain plain

'You're fucking kidding' Hunter gasped, gripping him arm 'James why didn't you say sooner?' her tone turned dark 'And why didn't Moran say anything?'

Oh he's Moran now, Jim smirked, he's definitely in trouble. 'First of all, my dear- Language. We are civilized in this house, and you know how I hate it when you swear' his tone was playful. One look at her face and he turned serious 'Second, I had no way of contacting you until my release and I didn't want you to see me in such condition. I'd have only caused you further distress'

'Oh my darling' her voice trembled, from anger or sadness he couldn't tell 'What did they do to you?'

'A few broken ribs, a lost tooth or two, and some cuts and bruises. I am mostly on the mend now' he tried to calm the anger and upset he could see rising within her 'Nothing I haven't had before'

She stood, tears trickling down her cheeks 'My James, oh how you break my heart' she wrapped her arms around him carefully, letting him rest his head against her chest 'But if you ever hide something like that from me again, I will show you the meaning of unhappily married'

'I don't doubt it' he was solemn 'I only acted in your best interests'

'As for Moran, he's definitely on my shit list now'

'Language'

'I will poke those ribs' she countered, wiggling a finger in front of his face, as though she could ever hurt him.

'Nothing could ever hurt me as much as being separated from you the last month'

'If I weren't in so much pain, I'd take you to bed for being this sweet' she nuzzled his neck, noting that the maid had subtly left her pain medication by her glass when she cleared the plates 'But then I suspect those ribs aren't a tickle either' She shook out four pills and gave two to him, which he swallowed without question. 'I'm worried about this thing with the Holmes' my love'

'I have a plan, my dearest. Don't you worry yourself about my work'


End file.
